THE 
WRITING
COACH
 

IF YOU DIDN'T CREATE AN ENTIRE MYTHICAL LANGUAGE BEFORE BREAKFAST THIS MORNING

YOU NEED 
THE WRITING COACH!

SIGNS YOU NEED 
THE WRITING COACH:

You're stuck in your draft. 

You're not a HOUSEHOLD NAME.

You're producing less than 300 PAGES PER DAY.

If you haven't put out an entire fantasy saga plus three spin-off television shows in a year, then you haven't really experienced all that your writing can do!

When you're ready to be the best, to NEVER get a rejection EVER, and to buy a small village in Scotland, you're ready for The Writing Coach.

The Writing Coach Will Bring the PAIN!

All of the pain.

Let me be clear. The Writing Coach will bring the whole entirety of the PAIN.

For further illustration, imagine there are 420 million metric tons of PAIN available in the universe at any time. The Writing Coach will bring 420 million metric tons of PAIN and not a drop less.

"Stop dreaming,
start DOING..."

If you're considering working with The Writing Coach, I encourage you to stop sitting on the fence because fences are pointy and painful. When I used to sit on a fence, I would dream about becoming a top science fiction screenwriter for mouse populations. The Writing Coach helped me to break through, to capture storylines that resonate with rodents, and help them dream of futures they've never considered. I wasted three years sitting on that fence. I now have pointy butt cheeks. Book The Writing Coach NOW. 

-Andrew Bent, 3001: A Kitchen Cupboard Odyssey 

WON AN
AWARD!

"You'll thank me later."

You may not think that you need The Writing Coach. But we both know that you do. Your writing feedback group has devolved since two of the people hooked up with each other and now you're just a third wheel and you don't even think they're reading your stories anymore. The beta readers you want to work with will cost you a month's wages or don't reply to your emails. You need to KNOW that this draft is going to work. You need to KNOW that your former feedback group hasn't just decided to keep meeting without you and now some other third person is receiving their advice to show not tell. Book The Writing Coach NOW. You'll thank me later.

-Shawn Assten, award-winning author of psychological fantasy thriller, Furry Footed Friends 

"Life's too short for form rejections."

Look at me, I'm a dog. If you think waiting nine months to receive a note written in crayon atop someone's WHATABURGER receipt saying "sorry, not quite right for us" is a long time, then imagine what it feels like to be me! That's nearly a decade of my life. My best dog years are still ahead of me, thanks to The Writing Coach making me strive to catch that ball that he wouldn't ever actually throw. His superior training freed me from the waiting game. I am now such an excellent writer, publishers trip over me trying to clamber for my work.

-Clyde Barker, Golden Veener Award Winner 2020, The Small Dogs of War

ALSO
WON AN AWARD

Need More Proof?

Check out these inspiring stories of writers who have dared to push beyond their limitations and are now living the writing life of their dreams while paying off the cost of The Writing Coach! Failure to pay The Writing Coach results in forfeiting your soul and those of seven generations of your family. Soul payment plans available!

Sophia Came

They say to dance like no one is watching. But I know THEY are watching. I thought about enrolling in a creative writing program but then I thought "What if my professors steal all my ideas?" Protect yourself. Get The Writing Coach.

Georgia Smiles

I'm a natural Try Hard. It used to be that my enthusiasm for the smallest writing job would make everyone think I was slightly crazy. The Writing Coach helped me to channel my energy into writing copy for energy drink companies and cocaine dealers. Calm down people, Try Hards are the most uncynical pure-spirited people you'll ever meet! Now everyone Picks Me. I'm living the freelance dream!

Theresa Simms

The problem with being a brilliant writer is that you may be smarter than the editors reading your work. Contrary to popular belief, the world of publishing is not a meritocracy. Now that I've booked The Writing Coach, my genius is immediately recognized. I've moved to a spacious apartment in Paris to see to every whim of my Muse. Don't be a starving artist, don't supplement your writing earnings by teaching full time to a bunch of people who don't even know you're a writer and think that you exist to read their crappy drafts of thinly-veiled action heroes that are nothing more than self-wanking fictions: be ME. 

Max Francis

I'm an adorable baby. If I can do this and pull down a Nebula award before I even transitioned to Pull-Ups, imagine all that is possible if you bring your best to the craft. You need a coach to draw the best out of you. Book The Writing Coach now. I am so flippin' cute. 

YOU MIGHT ASK:
HOW MUCH DOES 
THE WRITING COACH 
COST?

And we ask you this: imagine yourself in the future on your gold-encrusted yacht taking a little get-away from your private Scottish village. As you bathe in the south Asian sun sipping Fountain of Youth cocktails dusted with edible gold flakes and you reflect on the vast quantities of money sitting in all your bank accounts across the world, ask yourself, How much is a life like this worth?



How much do you think this pretty boat is worth?

Guess. Take a guess.

We don't know exactly how much this boat is worth but we are pretty sure it costs a lot more than $5,000 per month with a three month minimum.

 

 

And look at these other boats...

When you have a boat like these, you'll thank yourself for booking The Writing Coach.

Book The Writing Coach Today and you will

WRITE IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!
START WRITING YOUR STORIES PERFECTLY IN ONE DRAFT

ALL THIS 
PLUS 
GET AMAZING THIGHS!

START SENDING OUT A VIBRATION THAT ATTRACTS PUBLISHERS TO YOU!
SAVE TIME FOR MORE PLEASURE: NEVER QUERY OR HIT SUBMIT AGAIN

BE THAT MUCH CLOSER TO OWNING A BOAT
IMAGINE HOW JEALOUS EVERYONE WILL BE WHEN THEY SEE YOU OUT THERE ON THAT FANTASTIC BOAT

I'm The Writing Coach

And I'm giving you my PERSONAL GUARANTEE 

IF YOU GIVE ME YOUR MONEY

I WILL TAKE IT!
 

Also excepting clients who want to train for the Cradensburg Town Meetings and No-Weapons-Barred Cage Fights. Please sign all the essential wavers.

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The Writing Coach
@ Platinum Quads Gym
134 Spruce Ave.
Dead Mist Hill
Cradensburg, NH 03666

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