If you haven't put out an entire fantasy saga plus three spin-off television shows in a year, then you haven't really experienced all that your writing can do!
When you're ready to be the best, to NEVER get a rejection EVER, and to buy a small village in Scotland, you're ready for The Writing Coach.
Let me be clear. The Writing Coach will bring the whole entirety of the PAIN.
For further illustration, imagine there are 420 million metric tons of PAIN available in the universe at any time. The Writing Coach will bring 420 million metric tons of PAIN and not a drop less.
If you're considering working with The Writing Coach, I encourage you to stop sitting on the fence because fences are pointy and painful. When I used to sit on a fence, I would dream about becoming a top science fiction screenwriter for mouse populations. The Writing Coach helped me to break through, to capture storylines that resonate with rodents, and help them dream of futures they've never considered. I wasted three years sitting on that fence. I now have pointy butt cheeks. Book The Writing Coach NOW.
-Andrew Bent, 3001: A Kitchen Cupboard Odyssey
You may not think that you need The Writing Coach. But we both know that you do. Your writing feedback group has devolved since two of the people hooked up with each other and now you're just a third wheel and you don't even think they're reading your stories anymore. The beta readers you want to work with will cost you a month's wages or don't reply to your emails. You need to KNOW that this draft is going to work. You need to KNOW that your former feedback group hasn't just decided to keep meeting without you and now some other third person is receiving their advice to show not tell. Book The Writing Coach NOW. You'll thank me later.
-Shawn Assten, award-winning author of psychological fantasy thriller, Furry Footed Friends
Look at me, I'm a dog. If you think waiting nine months to receive a note written in crayon atop someone's WHATABURGER receipt saying "sorry, not quite right for us" is a long time, then imagine what it feels like to be me! That's nearly a decade of my life. My best dog years are still ahead of me, thanks to The Writing Coach making me strive to catch that ball that he wouldn't ever actually throw. His superior training freed me from the waiting game. I am now such an excellent writer, publishers trip over me trying to clamber for my work.
-Clyde Barker, Golden Veener Award Winner 2020, The Small Dogs of War
Check out these inspiring stories of writers who have dared to push beyond their limitations and are now living the writing life of their dreams while paying off the cost of The Writing Coach! Failure to pay The Writing Coach results in forfeiting your soul and those of seven generations of your family. Soul payment plans available!
They say to dance like no one is watching. But I know THEY are watching. I thought about enrolling in a creative writing program but then I thought "What if my professors steal all my ideas?" Protect yourself. Get The Writing Coach.
I'm a natural Try Hard. It used to be that my enthusiasm for the smallest writing job would make everyone think I was slightly crazy. The Writing Coach helped me to channel my energy into writing copy for energy drink companies and cocaine dealers. Calm down people, Try Hards are the most uncynical pure-spirited people you'll ever meet! Now everyone Picks Me. I'm living the freelance dream!
The problem with being a brilliant writer is that you may be smarter than the editors reading your work. Contrary to popular belief, the world of publishing is not a meritocracy. Now that I've booked The Writing Coach, my genius is immediately recognized. I've moved to a spacious apartment in Paris to see to every whim of my Muse. Don't be a starving artist, don't supplement your writing earnings by teaching full time to a bunch of people who don't even know you're a writer and think that you exist to read their crappy drafts of thinly-veiled action heroes that are nothing more than self-wanking fictions: be ME.
I'm an adorable baby. If I can do this and pull down a Nebula award before I even transitioned to Pull-Ups, imagine all that is possible if you bring your best to the craft. You need a coach to draw the best out of you. Book The Writing Coach now. I am so flippin' cute.
We don't know exactly how much this boat is worth but we are pretty sure it costs a lot more than $5,000 per month with a three month minimum.
WRITE IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!
START WRITING YOUR STORIES PERFECTLY IN ONE DRAFT
GET AMAZING THIGHS!
START SENDING OUT A VIBRATION THAT ATTRACTS PUBLISHERS TO YOU!
SAVE TIME FOR MORE PLEASURE: NEVER QUERY OR HIT SUBMIT AGAIN
BE THAT MUCH CLOSER TO OWNING A BOAT
IMAGINE HOW JEALOUS EVERYONE WILL BE WHEN THEY SEE YOU OUT THERE ON THAT FANTASTIC BOAT
Also excepting clients who want to train for the Cradensburg Town Meetings and No-Weapons-Barred Cage Fights. Please sign all the essential wavers.